OK I have decided I am a danger to myself and everyone around me. Went to bed at midnight last night and kept waking up about every hour or so. Some of it was thanks to Betty, she thought she needed to take up about 3/4 of the bed. Grrrr. Overslept for classes, got up, took shower with no water pressure whatso ever and of course ran out of hot water. Got dressed, scheduled a ride to class since it's about zero with the wind. Got to class, twisted my ankle on ice, couldn't type in class, fingers just wouldn't work. Went to lunch where they didn't have my dish of choice, overfilled soda and then proceeded to spill soda on me and Betty. Not good, not good at all.
We talked about babies in psych and how they learn. It was interesting to read how psychologists test babies to see what they learn from their basic senses. But I would love to research blind babies and see if they can't see, how they adapt. For example, my dad told me that when I was a baby I used to touch people's faces a lot. I wonder why I did that? Was it to figure out what people looked like? Or was I able to identify them by their faces? Psychologists have done studies with babies and have shown them pictures of faces, but with the facial features mixed up, like their mouth was where the eyes were supposed to be, etc. Apparently the babies reacted negatively, basically freaked out. Wonder if blind babies would react the same way? Hmmmm.
Well thank goodness for

He has been such a help for me, talking to me, about my anxiety, etc. I am feeling much calmer now. If I don't do well on my exams, I have three exams to redeem myself with. That's my comfort anyway. I have to not put so much pressure on myself. Easier said than done I guess. But we will see how it goes.
Well I had a little flip out just a few minutes ago. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and I think it's been getting worse and worse. Well tonight it got pretty bad. I couldn't focus on anything, and that coupled with some family issues, mainly my sister, well let's just say my mood got really bitchy really fast. I was trying to study and just started to cry. Things were just running around in my head and I couldn't get them to stop. I just kept getting more and more overwhelmed and upset, and it was just a vicious cycle. Finally I decided to stop studying and contacted a 24 hour crisis center, to see what they had to recommend. They gave me some numbers to call in the morning, which is cool and I am feeling a bit better now, but still anxious.
I told the counselor about my visit with Noel in three days, and told her it was the only thing sustaining me, and I can't wait. I so need this break, I need to relax, a little bit anyway. I just wish I could stay there forever, and not come back here.
Well I can't say I'm not loved and cared for. Jennie sent me a package. Ben and Jennie are like my surrogate parents, and at least they love me. I just don't understand my dad. I have a local mobile phone number for him and he doesn't call me, at all. It's really frustrating that I have a number he can call for free and he doesn't. I wonder why? I mean does he really not want to talk to me?If I were to call and ask him that question, he would say, "Why don't you call me?" So it's a never ending circle at the moment.
I have two exams tomorrow. Ug, but at least they will be done soon. I hate when things are hanging over my head, that's not cool, not at all. Well I better go study.
Well I studied most of the day but didn't get much accomplished. Got a couple of chapters read and that's about it. I am so ready for bed it's not even funny! And only five more days until I get to see Noel! Wahoo!
I'm off to study. I hate studying.
Well anxiety has gone down a bit. The thought of climbing into a nice warm bed has comforted me a bit. I love sleep, it's a world where I can slip into nothingness. However life will return tomorrow morning. Until then, only six more days until I see Noel! Am I being mushy? Well tough it's my journal so deal! hahahahaha
Well I'm here, sort of. I really should be studying but I really don't feel like it. I am feeling overwhelmed with all the work I have to do. I just need a Noel hug, he does give the best hugs. Ah what I wouldn't do to do my classes long distance from Arkansas, that would go over well with the fam, wouldn't it? I have so much work to do it's not funny.
I do not even want to know... What you ask? I went to the bathroom just now, and as I was walking out, I felt something silky on the door handle. Upon further investigation, I found it to be a pair of women's panties. WTF?
I just overslept a class, but that's not the issue here. Concerned about the dream I had. Noel and I were walking, I don't know from where. We were walking, and he was walking on crutches. He was really booking along! Anyway, he said, "We need to go to Target!" I asked him why, why couldn't we just go home? He seemed really tired. He said, "No, we have to go now!" I was like erm OK, but then I tried to help him do something and he landed on his ass and was in an incredible amount of pain. I kept apologizing over and over again, was in tears because I had hurt him. He said it was OK but I could tell it wasn't. OK so what does this dream mean? I have deduced that...
I am concerned about hurting him. I've never been around anyone who has broken a leg, etc. Like I know that I shouldn't worry about it but... Well what if I hurt him or bump him or something? That would make me feel like shit really. Oh gosh I hope I don't mess up here. And all of this from a dream, weird!
Well another day of uni done and I actually made it through all of my classes. In my intro to theatre class, we talked about opera and musical theatre. It was interesting, until the instructor, who was a guest instructor, said, "Does anyone know who Andrea Boceli is?" I did, he's a blind opera singer. I raised my hand and a smattering of other people did too. Then she said, "Do you know what's so extraordinary about him?" Oh he is blind! Someone blurted this out. She said, "Yes, can you imagine trying to learn music when you are blind, that must be sooooooo hard!" Pulease! Someone gag me! Give me a break!
Then I went to literature where the prof just kind of rambles on and on and on... He doesn't really have a schedule, so we don't know when our exams are, very annoying really. I went to child psych, where we talked about birth and newborns. It still amazes me how many college students snicker and outright laugh wnhen people talk about birth, god forbid someone say Vaginal or Vagina in a class, give me a break!! I mean can we grow up please? Then I caught a ride home and took a nap, ah naps are a good thing.Went to dinner which was a boring affair, boring and disgusting, went to physics, and came home and talked to Noel. Poor guy sounds so depressed. What I wouldn't do to take care of him, make me feel better. I am glad he is starting to figure out his feelings for me. He is such a sweet person, I can't believe some other girl didn't scoop him up! Well he's mine!!! And I'm proud of that fact, he's mine he's mine he's mine!!! heheheheheheheheheheheeh I hope he gets a computer tomorrow, or gets it connected to the net rather. I will just have to see how he's doing tomorrow. He talked to my gram with me too. And they seemed to enjoy talking to each other.
Well another uni day done with. I went to Anthropology where we learned about language and humans, and how humans are the only species to use language. Now as language is defined as a system of symbols, gestures and sounds that initialize communication, I disagree with this comment of the prof from no where. After all, dogs communicate with each other through gestures. If they growl, a sound, then they are irritated with each other. Sniffing of the ass says, "Hi how are you?" She also talked about languageand how she could tell how educated one by the way they spoke. Now I disagree with this comment as well. Many people from SD although they are educated still use the uneducated english. For example, she said the words, ya, thinkin and y'all are uneducated... ok fine... I disagree.
Well Noel was working on getting internet so maybe he will be online soon. I sure hope so, I really think he needs to write in his journal.Last night though, we had a three way conversation with Chris and then included Rebecca as well. I was relieved to note he was sounding a bit more normal last night. We sort of talked last night about his issues with love. He basically had never had a girlfriend before me and didn't know what it was like to be loved in the way I love him. He said he was starting to figure it out now which makes me relieved. I wasn't really worried about it... I mean I didn't worry about it at all, but I must admit, when he said he wasn't sure if he loved me over the last few weeks, a chill crossed me. A chill of fear, because the love I feel for him is so different, and so much more real than the love for past boys. But he needed/needs time to figure it out and that's totally cool with me. I would rather he figure it out for himself, and not feel pressured into a decision. And like I told him, emotions are complicated things.
Well off to order pizza!
When am I going to face the inevitable and realize that uni is when people are supposed to be tired? I am still on the idea that I am supposed to get eight hours of sleep. When will I realize that I won't get eight hours and stop trying to fulfill this requirement of mine? Well I guess it's my right to try to get as much sleep as I want, especially since I get tired and lethargic when I don't. Oh well.
I get to go to anthro today. It's not a bad class so it won't be too bad. The professor has an interesting accent, but I notice she won't tell us where she's from. We know she was educated at a uni in England, but she won't tell us where she's originally from. Weird, very weird. I wonder when I'll just blurt out, "Where are you from?"
Well off to get shower in...
Well I am just annoyed!!
A nurse upset Noel. Apparently her little ego couldn't take the fact that Noel was trying to get the right amount of care for himself. Her little ego couldn't take the fact that he might know a bit more about his condition than she does! So she got all upset and in turn made him upset. How dare she!! GRRRR!
Also, the fact that I have to take my computer in to get it fixed again because the f***ers at resnet messed it up really pisses me off. So
Well physics, or more aptly named, 7 Ideas that shaped the Earth, was OK today. We had to do a lot of math but I had done it all before, so it was pretty easy. I asked the prof if I could take the exam early so I could visit Noel longer and he told me that I had to give him a copy of
A. my plane ticket
and
B. a written request.
According to prof, he can't decide when to give exams as they are set by the university... But doesn't he head the course? Anyway, that's easily done.
I was glad I understood the math. Unfortunately Maurine doesn't so I guess I'll be explaining it all to her. Ah well such as life, I guess.
Well I have decided it's about time I arm myself with tools. Tools for what you may ask? Well I'm glad you did. Tools to combat the depression and worry I'm feeling. I'm a natural worrier, and am sick of worrying so much, so here are the tools I have come up with so far...
* books. I have always loved to read and have a wealth of material so better get reading!
*music! I have calming music, rock music, etc.
* studying. OK so that's the most obvious one but also the hardest to get motivated for.
* friends. I have friends all over so better use them to my advantage.
* Noel. He's apart from the friends, he's my best friend.
I'm tired but so happy. Normally when I tell someone to call any time, any time of day or night, I never really expect them to do it. I always hope they won't worry about waking me up, or pissing me off, etc. But people usually do. Which pisses me off to no end. If I didn't want someone to wake me up at any time, if I really didn't love and care for them, then I wouldn't give them permission to ring me. I bring this up because Noel did use his 24/7 privilege and rang me late last night. And it was my pleasure to talk to him. It's what I do for people I love. I'm glad he trusted me enough to call me, and I hope I was able to help him a little bit. I also can't wait until he gets a computer, so he can write in live journal. I think it will be immensely helpful for him when he can write about what he is feeling. Well better run to class... ug!
Well I can't sleep so here I am. I can't wait until Noel has a computer in the hospital. I am basically keeping this journal on live journal for his benefit. He has been so open with me on what he's feeling, etc, so I will do the same. I guess I would be lying if I said I was feeling totally secure about him. I don't think I'll feel better until I've actually seen he's OK, actually hugged him and held his hand, but that's 11 days away and I really can't worry about him 24/7. It's just not feasible, so I have decided my best course of action is to keep busy. Now I have plenty of stuff to do, but getting motivated to actually do it, now that's another story completely. I have a psych exam Friday and an anthropology exam next Tuesday, or was that next Thursday? Does it really matter? OK, so in the long run it probably does but oh well, it's two AM and I have to get up at seven and I'm just not tired. Oh well, life goes on. Antibiotics for ear infection seem to be working, which is a definite plus. Nobody has commented on this journal but that's OK. I'm actually getting sleepy now. And I really need to start working on my writing. I have always wanted to be a writer but have only submitted one thing which although it didn't get rejected outright, I never got an acceptance letter either.
Well off to bed now...
Well it's about time for those of you on FOD, and a summary for the rest of you. On Thursday evening, I received a call from Noel telling me he had broken his femur. This is not abnormal for him, as he has a bone condition and frequently breaks bones, but this was the first time since we had been together that he broke one... He was in Fayetteville but was being transferred to Little Rock. He rang me when he got to LR, and told me he would probably be going in for surgery Friday morning. I didn't sleep much Thursday night worrying about him, and he called Friday morning and they were uncertain about surgery. However, by the time I left to go to the doctor, he knew he was having surgery Saturday morning. We called each other throughout the day on Friday, and by Friday evening, Noel was depressed, and I suspect, a bit scared, and understandably so. I was scared for him but didn't know how to help him. I told him to call me when he went in for surgery Saturday morning, but I was so scared for him I literally sat up all night, not doing anything, just sitting. I don't trust doctors as a general rule and knowing one would be working on someone I loved again didn't make me feel good. He called Saturday morning and told me he was going in. I finally drifted off to sleep to be awoken by M, asking me if I was going down to breakie. I said no and she went and got some for me. Noel's mum called me an hour later and said the surgery went well. They were able to repair some earlier dammage which will greatly improve Noel's life. To say he was emotional was an understatement. I talked to him shortly after surgery and he was very emotional but happy. I sent him flowers and he called me to thank me for them.
He called me today and told me he loved me which made me happy beyond belief. I know this has been tough on him but I think he's so strong, it's simply amazing. I get to see him on the 14th and I'm psyched! Well off to get homework done! Oh yay!
To say I am relieved is the understatement of the century! Noel is OK, he's overjoyed and I am overjoyed for him. I got some very emotional phone calls from him, and when done on the phone, cried, and I don't cry very often when happy. I cried, then ran down the hall laughing. He is happy and there fore so am I. I made reservations to go see him Feb 14, so am really excited about that. I love him and can't wait to see him.
Current mood? Ecstatic!
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