Jan. 4th, 2012 05:26 pm
I am testing this to see if it cross posts.
LJ has been having many problems so we'll give this a try.
Well I am much better today, and I am a little more relaxed.
I talked to my adviser yesterday and she told me I could drop a class if I wanted to. I told her I really didn't want to do that, but she said we couldn't do that with out documentation, or it would not be a good idea because of my total lack of talking on the subject. I just didn't mention to my profs I was depressed, ok? Anyway, I am going to try really hard not to drop something, because it will go on my record but we will see. I have a counseling appointment on Monday, and a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. Hopefully we can get this med thing figured out.
I went and saw Guys and Dolls last night and man it was good! My prof did a great job, everyone did. It's so much work for them! They are amazing. I wish I could do that.
Well off to do something... grin
I would give almost anything to be "Normal." I hate this depression. I stayed up last night... Almost the whole night, only got about two hours of sleep. I just couldn't stop thinking about stuff, and how my life seems to be spinning out of control. I don't even have the energy to attend classes most of the time now. I'm still hanging in there but just. My grades aren't going to be good this semester. I try so damn hard, I really do. I try to get up, go to class, study, and it just gets me nowhere. I go to class and time just drags by and I can't focus. I try to study and I can't focus. I am seriously ready to take incompletes in my classes and finish them at my leisure, I don't know if one can do that though. I would have to ask someone.I don't even know if it can be done. I just know I would feel a lot less stressed if I could get away from the pressure for a while.
Well this is not what I wanted to do but am thinking of transferring again. I just wanted to go some where and not have to worry and just finish my education, but that wasn't meant to be. I'm not happy here, not at all. I just want to scream. I talked to Noel, and he helped me out, trying to focus my mind, etc. I am looking at unis in Atlanta, Dallas and anywhere else warm. No actually for the moment Atlanta and Dallas. Oh god I don't want to do this again.
Status of email from P-Berg Man? Email received, very chatty and all info needed to send money has been given.
Likelihood I will respond? Probable, since he was not rude, maybe we can salvage this friendship, or keep on speaking terms. I really valued the friendship at one time, so maybe we can renew it. Only time will tell. Whatever happens happens.
Ah vague answers are good. I went and said hi to Maurine but apparently she was too busy to talk to me so Betty and I left. She asked me as she always does, "What are you going to do," to which I replied, "Stuff." Just got an IM from her telling me she was not busy any more, and that I could come down now. To which I responded, "I'm busy." She asked, "Doing what?" I said, "Stuff." Wonder what she would have said if I had responded, "Looking at porn on the net, don't bother me." Or "Learning how to make bombs."
Status of email from man from Pittsburg: Nonexistent. Could he really not want his money? *shakes head* no, couldn't get that lucky.
Overslept Anthropology class. Oh well, I will trade notes with the girl next to me since she didn't make Thursday's class.
Status of head? Hurts at the moment and no pain killers in sight. That's really too bad.
I actually got some studying done last night. My theatre book momentarily sucked me in, scary, very scary.
I need to move to a place where snow is a novelty and people can't drive in it. Arkansas perhaps? Perhaps not.
Well something has been bothering me, so I might as well write about it here. It's the man from Pittsburg. He was truly an ass, and I didn't know what to think of him for a long time. Apparently he doesn't know what to think of me either. I will only do this once but I initiated communication with him via email. Mostly it was to pay him the money I owe him, but if he doesn't respond, then no money for him. Naw, I'll probably send him his money anyway, but it will be interesting to see if he wants to even talk to me after what happened. Interesting indeed.
I should probably write in here instead of going back to bed for that extra half hour of sleep. Right, that's better, I have my Sprite now and have good music playing. Now maybe I can write.
Yesterday was just one of those days. All the stuff I had to do started to overwhelm me so I took refuge in bed for a few hours. Then I got up and slowly got things done. I got all of my laundry done, and wrote my assignment for my group project for my theatre class. I studied moderately for my lit test but this could be a disaster. Oh well first exams usually are for me in my classes. I was lying in bed thinking, wondering. I was walking out to let Miss B out last night and a girl asked me, "How are you?" to which I replied, "Great thanks." I wonder why it is that I always seem to have to be great. Why can't I be crappy or tired, or depressed? I guess I put on a good act for the general public. That's not good, not at all, be cause then when I don't come through for them, or when I'm less than good, they wonder why? I don't think the average person I see on a daily basis knows how difficult it is for me to get out of bed in the mornings sometimes, but I think it's the nature of the thing.
I contacted ResNet yesterday and they do indeed have my scanner software, they conveniently forgot to call me to give it back so I told them they could drop it off and install it. They said they would do it today but I have my doubts. Oh well I will have to just keep ringing and ringing them. Eventually they'll get annoyed with me an just do it.
Anyway, I better get going, and get a shower in before class. Agenda for today?
* go to theatre class
* rush to take lit exam
* grab lunch
* go to cool child psych class
* come home and check on status of scanner installation
* dinner
* physics class
* study?
I really should study. We'll see. grin
OK so what do I need to do? And how to get it accomplished? Well let's see. I am taking Amanda's advice here and breaking things down into managable chunks...
I need to do laundry. I also need to figure out what happened to my scanner software since ResNet didn't bother returning it. However, I can't do that until tomorrow. I need to do research for english and theatre projeccts as well as read literature and finish reading the play for theatre. Need to write the editorial for the paper and work on conference paper? Maybe? I want to know how Chris does that table thingy in his journal... It's probably too complicated for me to figure out however. I did call my dad and wish him a happy Birthday. Go me!
Well this is exactly what I needed. I was supposed to go to a bus meeting today but I fell twice on ice and couldn't make it. So I just found out that Kent is going to cut their off campus service. This basicallly means I won't have a way to go to doctor's appointments, vet aps, grocery store, etc. Kent has no taxis or anything. They are planning on implementing this in the fall. I think I need to write some editorials. Or move... God, I'm never going to get through uni.
On that note, I really need to get some study done...
Why is it I get depressed and can't cope with life, then when I bounce back, I can cope but then I feel like I have to get it all done before my next depressive episode? Most of the stuff is money stuff, mainly wanting to pay people back so I won't have to worry about it and they get their money. I think I've got Noel taken care of, I can just pay for the next plane ticket. I'm grateful he is letting me do that. I tried calling my phone company in Australia but with no luck. I went online but couldn't pay that way because I didn't have a reference number. I called the operator and she couldn't figure out why the call wasn't going through. I also need to check a money order and make sure it wasn't cashed, cancel it and resend another one. I wish things were open 24 hours a day so I can do this stuff. I always get so keyed up and anxious at 2 AM, but then at 12 PM when I can actually do it, it overwhelms me. Oh well I hope to get some of this taken care of tomorrow.
Noel called me and he went to his mum's school today. It sounds like he had a relatively good time. At least he was able to get out of the house. He will also be tutoring which is awesome. He taught Sam so much about chem and I know Sam enjoyed it so much. And I think Noel enjoyed teaching him.
I have to meet with my group for a theatre project tomorrow. I am public relations director for a play that my group read. The play was called Angels in America. Very wierd but interesting. Then go to my boring lit class, which I have an exam in on Monday, and then psych. Then I can get this banking stuff done. Saturday morning, I have a meeting with the student transportations for disabled students service. We are helping them with their training day. We, the disabled community, have been trying to get them to change some of their policies but with no luck. I have also been put in charge of writing an editorial for the campus-wide newspaper. Ah well, it will all get done, I hope.
I read a great book today, called Coma by Robyn Cook. Very good book if you get a chance to read it.
Well better go and try to get some sleep.
Have three classes today, then of course my physics exam, very scary. I really don't want to go to class, but have been too much of a slacker so off I go. My only consolation is I am done at about three PM and can come home and sleep. I didn't get to bed until three and got up at seven. I feel awake now but my lit class is coming up, very boring!
Off I go.
Well I am back and online. I had a great weekend with Noel and his family. That reminds me, I must write his parents an email in the near future to thank them for the great weekend. Noel and his parents were concerned that I was not having a good time, but truthfully, it was the best weekend I had had in ages. It was so relaxing, and they were and are so friendly! Monday was a painful day, with traveling. All the airports around here were basically messed up because of the snow, and although my traveling experiences weren't bad, they weren't the greatest either.
I am thinking of writing a conference paper for a conference in England. I got the email from a list service I am on for Kent State and it looks fun. I might do it on
* the definition of disability to the well person
* being "Cured."
* transplants.
It would give me some experience, even if I didn't win. The only thing I need to find out now is if I actually have time to do this. I think if I do everything right, I will.
Anyway, better get to bed.
Well Valentines Day was a smashing success!! Well OK, it had its down moments, like not getting my luggage until this morning, and of course that five minutes of panick when I got off the plane, but other than that things went really well! I'll start off by telling you all about my day.
Got up and wandered to class. I was so tired it wasn't funny but such as life. Then came back and waited for the shuttle which took me to the airport. I had the most fascinating driver. His name was Don and he was the one who drove me to Kent in the first place. Don was one of those people who had been everywhere! All the way to the airport, he told me stories of when he lived in LA and New Mexico, Utah and Ohio. He had gone everywhere, met everyone, and done everything. It was sure a fascinating half an hour in the car. I think I will request him especially next time.
I got to the airport and is it me or do the airline people just get snippier and snippier. I mean they weren't rude or anything, just short, but oh well. On my first flight, I didn't sit next to anyone, but on the second flight, I sat next to a kid who couldn't have been more than 13 years old. He and his team mates and coach were all going to a tae kwando training thingy in Little Rock. It was amazing that this kid flew so far to train, just to train! His coach told me proudly that the kid had gone to Scotland when he was 11, and Canada when he was 12, and now this year he would be going to Miami. The kid seemed a little nervous, but Betty seemed to comfort him quite a bit.
I got to the airport and had about five minutes where panick filled me. I hated to think of the weekend, if Noel's family didn't like me. How awkward would that be? I got off the plane and met his mum and him. Noel was in quite a bit of pain, so I tried to get out of the airport as quickly as I could, but no luck, as the Northwest people lost my luggage. I felt so bad for him and his mum. But of course there was nothing I could do. We filled out the lost luggage claim and were off to Noel's house.
Noel presented me with flowers at the airport and it made me feel so special. He spoils me so much and it just blows my mind. We got back to his house and I met his father and his sister and they both seem to be such nice people, his family all seems nice. Noel also bought me a bear and chocolates for Valentine's day.
It is so interesting for me to see Noel and his family interact. I mean my family and I interact nothing like what his family does. They actually sat down at the table and ate dinner, and they just seem to get along so well, unlike my family, but such as life.
Well will write more later, but I have luggage, and the world is good!
Well I have accomplished the following this evening,
* vacuumed room and mopped floor
* done four loads of laundry
* folded two loads of laundry, the other two loads are bed sheets and blankets, etc.
* packed suitcase
* packed all study materials, sorry Noel I will have to study a bit... *sigh*
* talked to Noel, Rebecca, for a minute and responded to comments
What do I still need to do?
*take shower
* make bed with freshly laundered blankets, sheets, etc.
* do dirty dishes.
At least I am making progress...
I'm buzzing! woohoo! Weeeeeeeeh! Anyway, I have four loads of laundry to do... Well OK, only two of them need to be done but it would be really cool if I could get the other two done. Also, need to groom Betty, need to do dishes, need to mop floor.... I bought the clorox wet mop thingy... Very interesting. Need to pack.. I love getting ready for trips... Now I hope my stomach will handle flight to Noel's... Turbulence and I don't mix... It's not a pretty sight.
OK I am not happy. Maybe it was the lack of sleep last night, I dunno. anyway, I went to withdraw money from the ATM and it kept telling me my pin was invalid. I know that wasn't right so I retried but same result. Sadly this means no shopping for me today. I will still try to get some shopping done tonight though. That's not my real issue, I called the bank and they said it was probably just a dodgy machine, my problem is Maurine. I was venting to her and she proceeded to ramble on and on and on and on about her bank and how this happened to her once, etc. Like I care. I walked off, pissed off mainly because I had not been heard, and she said, "Let me know how it goes, and cheer up!" I turned to her and said, "I am not having a good idea, and she said, "I know but cheer up." I turned around again and said, I am not happy, why do I always have to be cherry? I am not cherry!" So my question is, why can't I be uncheery some of the time? Am I not allowed my bitchy times too? And why is it people can act bitchy around me and I can't be bitchy too? This was mainly a rant at Maurine and the people here, and I'm not happy dammit!
This is a test, a test of the journalling capabilities of Amber. I made shuttle arrangements to go visit
[profile] djner
Really looking forward to this trip, and I get to see Fiona! A little nervous about meeting his family but then again I think that's natural.
Off to take a shower!
Well I was infused with energy last night starting about two AM, very annoying really. I did some research on busses in the area and the services look good really. I think I might go to the Akron Mall today, I figure what the hell? That way I can find out how good the services actually are. I was talking to blind people on campus, asking them how good public transport was. Can you believe they don't use it? I was like Excuse me? Why not? *shakes head in puzzlement* So that's my fun for the day. Other blind people here call me brave, etc. I am confused by that. I don't know why trying the local bus service going to a mall is brave. Anyone feel free to comment on this phenomena.
When I finally drifted off to sleep, I had the wierdest dream. I had a dream that Justin, my ex's brother called me, telling me Jonathan didn't have a date for a particular charity event and could I go with him? He knew we weren't going out but he would be willing to pay me for my services. To say I was shocked was an understatement. I told him that I was sorry, I was going to do something else that evening and couldn't go. He offered me one million dollars to go but I said no, it just wouldn't work. By the time I woke up, the price was five million an hour, with a minimum of two hours. I was still saying no at that point. I actually woke up and heard myself say, "No dammit, I'm busy that night, I don't want your fucking money." Weird. No more pepsi for me after six PM. grin
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